Observations From Life In The Slow Lane – How Writing Answers To A Question Leads To Clarity
Start with a question, and let the words emerge on the page
Another month of feeling like my mind is coated with mud and molasses. It’s been challenging to follow through on the “doing” part of my life. Some mornings I look at my list of things to do and at the end of the day, the list has not changed. Taunting me. Judging me.
Yes, I know, it’s me judging me, but it’s more fun personifying the list. So, as I write this post, I’m sitting back and observing life in the slow lane, watching these words slowly emerge on the page with curiosity.
Grief Beneath the Surface: Unexpected Lessons from Slowness
There’s something quite refreshing about my current lack of “doing”. Without getting too analytical about the reasons why, I’m guessing this is grief in a form I didn’t expect. I’m learning that grief is more than tears and loud sobbing. So much more! Insights are arriving through the weekly personal reflection summaries we are asked to complete in our death doula training. The theme for this week – Week Seven! – was “Grief and Loss – Cultural, Personal”.
We were asked to consider the “small deaths” of our lifetime, such as moving, ending a job or a relationship, memory loss of a loved one, losses associated with aging or a partner’s aging, and so on. I took a deep breath and started moving toward the Lion’s Roar by writing my response to the question of small deaths. I felt uncomfortable and scattered at first. However, as I continued to write without any editing or pausing – this was a timed writing practice I set up for myself – clarity began to emerge.
Small Deaths and Aging
For perhaps the first time, I started to feel the deeper feelings of grief related to the loss of an important relationship, not because of a death, but to other circumstances. I also started to acknowledge the losses I am experiencing because of my aging process. My decreased physical strength and stamina limits the types of outdoor adventures I choose now.
My spirit-self still wants to plan ten-day backpacking trips, but my pragmatic self knows that’s no longer going to happen in this lifetime. Reconciling my desire with current reality is an ongoing acceptance practice, part of my post-retreat integration. The two-year-old part of me “wants what it wants, and it wants it NOW!” The struggle is not always pretty, and the emotional intensity arises unexpectedly.
Accepting What Is
There are teachings in Buddhism that I turn to for guidance. One of my teachers is Pema Chodron and I’ve turned to her book, When Things Fall Apart, for guidance once again. In the chapter entitled, “Widening the Circle of Compassion”, she speaks about self-compassion: “When it hurts so bad, it’s because I am hanging on so tight. … pain comes from holding so tightly to having it our own way …”
My timed writing responses helped me to see how much I’ve been holding onto “what used to be”, which has kept me in a state of suffering. Shifting to acceptance, acknowledging “what is”, is the movement I’m feeling now, along with the movement of emotions and release of tight places in my body. The journey to my awakening continues.
marie
If something in this newsletter inspired you, send me a note at marie@mariemaccagno.com.
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